Wandering thoughts.

I think of you constantly. Your smile ever present in my mind. A poet I may be but the words escape my lips when we speak. The words I need to express how I am truly starting to feel about you. I am scared at what may go wrong and wonder if I am strong enough to take the chance.

I know that if I don't take the chance that I am guaranteed that nothing will happen and life will go on as it always has. It's the what if that drives me on. What if you feel for me what I feel for you? What if you desire a future with me? What if you will truly see me?

I think about you many different times during the day. When I am happy I wonder if you are happy. When you are sad I feel the greatest desire to bring you the moon to make you feel better. It is an amazing feeling to have such hope, fear and ? in my heart. Will you feel the same? Will you fall into my arms the way I crave falling into yours? Only God truly knows but it would be nice if he would give me a hint.

I wonder how long I shall be left in the dark? Will it be a year or a day? The madness that is caused by the lack of knowledge is almost hard to take. Whatever shall I do? I guess the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that my heart is in the right hands this time.

seeking you

I watch the ocean waves as they crash against the rocks. Surrounded by emerald green in a sea of grass. I feel the chill of the air on me as the breeze whispers secrets from a long and ancient past. Lost in the moment of knowing. I hear the wind as it speaks her name and tells me that she will find me soon. The comfort and warmth I begin to feel on such a cold and cloudy day energizes my soul.

The conflicting smells of sweet and salty ocean air combined with the softest hint of heather. Draws me through time and space to see the eyes that hold my future. I feel my soul begin to tug and call me to a far off land. I am afraid but I know that this is right. I begin to walk not knowing where it is that I am going but that doesn't matter. my body moves with confidence as if I have traveled this road a hundred times.

I make my way to a place strange and foreign. The air is different. I do not know how I know this place. Strange but familiar. I know that I was meant to come here. The weather is cold and yet there is no smell of the ocean. I see her hair black as night and eyes that light up as she looks at me and smiles. I know in that instant why I was brought here. I know that God called to me. I walk up to her with fear and wonder in my heart. I slowly and gently take her hand. I lean in and tell her softly. "I see you".

I look into the darkness and I see you. What a simple yet beautiful phrase. Many of us say I love you. It is one of the easiest things to say to someone. Thrown around without a second thought. How romantic it would be just for someone to look at you and smile saying " I see you". That to me seems like such a more complete statement. After all when we do fall in love with someone isn't that truly what we are saying? I see you for all that you are. I see you for all that you were. I see you for all that you will become.

I find that in some cultures certain phrases that we as Americans over look mean so much or they have multiple meanings. We are a general society. We speak in broad generalizations. We say so much but we never say what we truly mean. Bouncing around conversations with the intention of speaking our mind and then trying to avoid it so that we don't take risks or hurt someone Else's feelings. I do like most of us want someone to tell me that they love me. It is beautiful and one of the things that we all need to hear in our life. But when I am loved in a romantic way I want the first time she tells me how she feels to be that very intimate and personal phrase to be " I see you." We should focus on what we say to others and how we say it.

Letter to my daddy

Hello Daddy,

This is your son did you forget me daddy? I am the boy that kept you captivated with my little smile. The wiggle worm that made you laugh. That pink bundle of joy that took a pee on you while changing my diaper. The son you always wanted to have.

I guess the love you had for me wasn't enough for you to want to protect me. Why did you do it daddy? Why did you leave? Was I not cute enough? Did I do something wrong? I tried to keep your attention daddy. I tried to be the son you wanted. Was it mom? Was the alcohol stronger than your love for us?

I don't understand daddy why you couldn't stay. I needed you daddy. To hold me and to love me. To play catch with me daddy that would have been great. It would have been so much fun to run with you daddy. To be held up on your shoulders. I would have loved for you to chase the monsters away. You missed so much for the sake of a drink.

I grew up without you daddy. When I had my first home run you weren't there. When I made my first tackle you were nowhere to be found. I graduated daddy and looked up to see your proud smile and all i could see were strangers. I had a son daddy and needed your advice on how to be a good father but the room was always quiet. I got married daddy and I had to stand alone. She broke my heart daddy and you weren't there to help pick up the pieces. Why did you do it daddy? Why did you leave? I guess the thought of having to be strong for me was just too much.

You stopped drinking daddy cause you wanted to be my hero. Why did you go back to it and why did it have to kill you? So many years and you denied me so much. I am a man daddy. Father to three sons. They are happy and strong. You would be so proud of them. But they don't know you daddy. You aren't even a memory. you are just a story other people tell me to give me comfort.

I love you daddy and always will. Despite the pain and despite the loneliness of you being gone. I learned to be a father daddy. Better than you in many ways. Do you ever think of me daddy cause I always think of you......Love your son, YOU

Hope for a future

Do we dare hope for a future? We find someone so special that it is more than we ever thought to see in this life. the emotions and the excitement you feel when you talk to them. The possibilities and colors you never thought could be open to you. Is it wrong to get excited and to hope that this time you can do it different. That maybe you really have found that special someone? What do they think and what do they feel when they speak to you? Do you make there day better just by reminding them that you are in their life?

Questions like these rarely cross my mind. I write allot about what I hope to find someday and what I want to give to another. But what do I do when I think I might have found it? How do you handle it without ruining it. I know that I am willing to do whatever it takes to have a relationship with the type of person I'm thinking of. But what about them? I guess only time will tell but damn time takes forever. It would just be nice if two people to keep it simple and stop with the doubt and the worries. But I guess it affects all of us.

Beautiful

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you always look the other way
Finding imperfections
with every living breath
feeding yourself deceit
every night as you lie in bed

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you see only flaws in the diamond
and not the sparkle that it holds
You judge yourself with consequence
tearing down what nature built
and turning it into darkness cold

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you don't look into the mirror
save with tear-streaked eyes
How can you see yourself as I do
when you're peering through a looking glass
warped by doubt and loathing
brewed within your mind

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when your beauty is just too much
and leaves me lost for words
choking on every thought
while trying to explain something so clear
that it is written all over your face

How can I show you
that you're beautiful
when the world is not enough
and a million voices
fail to change your song
unable to silence
the doubt that beats away

No I can't show you
that you're beautiful
No matter how hard I try
But I'll whisper it to you every night
as you drift off to sleep
and hope that one morning
you'll wake up with eyes wide open
and see yourself as I do

A perfect diamond
A stunning reflection
and a ray of sun
piercing my own darkness
taking the clouds away

Sympathy for a Friend

I hear you and see you. The color of your pain as it carries you through your day. oh how it overwhelms you. You are a warrior poet as you fight on and bring yourself from one task to the next. You are as everyone should be. Determined to move past it all with little complaint. Does anyone else truly see you as I do. Do they know what it means to hurt all over and never be able to rest? No real refuge from it and carrying yourself as if nothing is wrong.

This agony you carry you feel that it is your burden alone. You are wrong. You know better than anyone the blessings that god has given you in this life. He continues to shower you with those blessings. All you have to do is reach out a hand and it will be there for you. To help and make it better. A whisper in the night that brings comfort and releases you from the despair of it all.

You are amazing in every way. To know you is to witness greatness. Gather your strength and walk on down the road just a little further. If you cannot walk I will carry you. If I cannot carry you then I will bring others to help. In the end there will be a valley of hope and happiness for you.

Always remember when you are traveling blind in the darkness that you are not alone. I am with you. I am the rock that holds you up. I am the ocean that hears your cries. I am the wind on the trees that tells your story. I am your friend.

a song i wrote

More than you'll ever know by gary sullivan






There was a time when life was lonely
no place ever felt like home
in the darkness I found my way
a love to call my own.

You feel special when love finds you
it's so strange and wonderful
to feel the sun on your heart again
embraced by the light of hope

You came along when i was lost
loneliness was all i knew
in that moment it all fell away
I found my heaven in you

I love you more than you'll ever know
there are no words to say it right
i wish i could just hold you
and make everything alright

I guess i never saw it coming
foolish games and selfish deeds
all at once it all went wrong
I woke up one day and you were gone

I told myself i didn't need you
then one night it all came down
You cried out to me on the line
then I found myself running back to you

I love you more than you'll ever know
there are no words to say it right
I wish i could just hold you
and make everything alright

I never lost my faith in you
even though others say i should
my love for you will never fade away
some feelings you just can't change

I feel your love and all your worries
your trust in me grows so slow
well take another chance on me darling
cause I love you more than you'll ever know.

Take a chance on me

I sit and watch you smile and cry
cherish your heart and wonder why
you choose to drown in this pain
your tears blanket your face like rain

you say you feel regret and sorrow
then deny your feelings on the morrow
i breaks my heart to see you this way
my tongue is still with nothing to say

i pray to god and all in heaven above
that you will accept my unconditional love
there are worst things in this world that you can be
the least of these things is to fall in love with me

I know of your regret and your shattered past
your hopeless feelings that I promise won't last
save your self from this loveless pitch filled life
come into the light and leave your world of strife

see the goodness that you have locked inside
you have a home of love to which you can abide
you don't have to feel shame or sadness alone
seek out a true family and just come home

your loved ones miss you and need you here
to hug you and hold you and to keep you near
we know the true you the one that cries
with each bad choice that purity dies

stand up and choose to make a change
stop your hurt and just quit the game
that past is gone and the present is here
when i am holding you the future is near

i feel as though my words fall into the abyss
lost in the moment and gone in the mist
oh how lost i feel when your smile is gone
trapped in my own sorrow no comfort from song

i miss you and love you and will till the end
know this forever that i will be your friend
please open your eyes so that you might see
walk away from the pain and take a chance on me

Regrets

What do we learn from the things that we lose in this life? Do we learn value? I think that it stands to reason that in most cases we learn nothing. We push on and never look back and say " WOW!". That pure moment of learning. That instance when we have perfect clarity about where we have been and where we truly want to go. It saddens the heart when we understand that we came away from the good and the bad and have no truth. No moment of perfect nirvana. What does one expect to learn? Understand when I say we expect to learn nothing. The honesty of such a statement leaves much to be questioned. We do learn we just don't realize it. Most times the lessons are so minor and small they get overlooked in the greater scheme of things. But why do we doubt it so much. Other situations warrant a larger case of learning and stronger clarity. But what do we do now? How do we use that information. How do we transform the lessons and become better than we were before?

I have written before about fear. I have discussed how we all live in fear of the unknown. We choose to stay in bad situations and we choose to not move forward with life because we don't think our life is ready or that there is some great mystery we have to figure out. Bollocks! The secret of life and the meaning it holds is to live life without fear, without remorse and without regret. If you find something in life that brings you comfort and you feel a pull towards it then don't doubt the moment. Never let it pass you by. Yes in this life every choice we make can either bring us joy or it can bring us pain. But what if? We take a chance and step into the void that we find our hearts desire. The past is like an old book. When it is done and over you put it down and you start a new one. Never look back but always push forward. There is an old saying that we have heard most of our lives. " Why put off till tomorrow that which you can do today?" Stop questioning things that feel right. Stop letting that fear hold you back. All these doubts bring are pain and confusion.

When we are all young we hear the phrase Carpe Diem. It is supposed to inspire us to grasp life and make the most of it. Seize the day! In my youth I heard this statement and I tried my best to live up to it. I have lived a wondrous and full life of love and pain. But I'm not dead yet. In my new youth I have discovered a new phrase. Carpe Ominous. This statement makes allot more sense. Seize Everything! Do I waste my time with my writings? Does anyone i give this to really read it. Will they take these moments of wisdom that are rare and few and feel inspired? Make a positive change for the better in their life or do they just discard my words and continue to live as they always have? Afraid and alone. I fight! I struggle to find that which eludes me each passing day. It is so fragile that even to mention it causes it to spook and run faster. I know that someday I will find it and in the end I will make it mine. I never give up and I never surrender and neither should you. Whoever you are.

Risks

Life is a funny thing. Romance is something we all need and yet it is something that takes allot of work. Why was it so easy for Shakespeare to show us the tragedy of love if it is not made simple. Yet we continue to complicate the issue. We have all been hurt. We have all put trust in someone and given them all of who we are just to have them toss us aside as if we were nothing. Sure they look at us and say this wasn't easy for me either, but they didn't show signs of suffering. They moved on with there life and didn't even look back to see how we were doing. I have seen a dog run over on the highway get more concern from a stranger than most of us have from the ones who vowed to love us forever.

This is truly sad people. In fact it sucks on such a royal scale that we should give up. Being alone is better. If we don't open up, if we don't put trust in someone and if we don't give them all of who we are then we won't get hurt. sounds good doesn't it. But what happens when loneliness creeps in. We can't go anywhere in this world without seeing couples in love. The stolen kisses the hand holding, public displays of affection that either disgust us or make us go "Oh I wish I had that". Sitting in our homes when it is quiet and empty or laying in bed at night and feeling the nakedness of our lives. I myself stare at the other side of my bed and wonder if I should just be single and give up the king size cause there is no one there. Chances are no one is going to be there. Just last night I wondered exactly that and I came up with a conclusion.



"WAKE UP PEOPLE". Love is needed it is wanted and damn it we deserve it. But you cannot play it cautious that is not what life is about. Love is dangerous, Love can hurt. It's like the ultimate roller coaster. It goes up and it twists you around in ways you can't even imagine. But yeah! What an awesome ride. Sure it can make you sick. Who cares. We say we don't want to blame that new special person for what others have done but that is what we do. We say we want to take it slow and make sure it's not like before but the truth is you won't know anything until you let your guard down and take a chance. You can take it slow and wait a year but until that actual chance is taken the relationship sits at a stand still and does not become active until we let it.

So take your time and when you do take that chance let others know how it turns out. I'm willing to bet that the outcome is the same whether you risk it all at the beginning or wait. The other thing we do is pick others apart. If we can find enough wrong with them then they aren't good enough. If they aren't good enough then we can't date them and if we can't date them they can't hurt us. Who the hell thinks like that?

If you want to be alone then decide to be alone and let it be that. If someone shows interest in you then just tell them I've made the decision to be alone and walk away. But if you have even a little doubt then drop the bullshit and learn to take risks. The secret and meaning of life is to enjoy the excitement of the risks that are available to us. So I shall say it again. "WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!!"

Just a profound quote

"I believe that when we leave a place, part of it goes with us and part of us remains. Go anywhere we have ever been, when it is quiet, and just listen. After a while, you will hear the echoes of all our conversations, every thought and word we've exchanged. Long after we are gone .. our voices will linger in these walls for as long as this place remains. But I will admit .. that the part of me that is going .. will very much miss the part of you that is staying." ( Author Unknown )

This is not one of mine it is a quote from a T.v. Series. I guess you could say it has inspired my writing. It is the comments made to a loved one that is thinking of committing suicide. It stands out for me cause for me it makes perfect sense and if you know anyone that feels that life is that bad maybe you should have them read this.


Life is a gift. As sweet as a ripped peach, as precious as a gilded jewel. I've never understood the logic of willfully surrendering such a treasure. And what is there to gain? How dark can your existence be when compared to an empty void?

Unless of course, you have faith that there is something beyond. What do you see from where you stand? A bright light at the end of the tunnel? Is it a ray of hope? A glimmer of something better? Or will it burn you like the rising sun?

Is that sound you're heard the trumpeting of st peters angels , or the screams of memnochs tortured souls? You can't answer that, can you, because you will never know the answer, till the deed is done. And is your faith really that strong?

I understand the need to move on it is something that happens , and your time has truly come. I also understand that with the beauty of this life there comes pain and despair. No one is immune. But consider what is in your hands. Don't trade a treasure for an empty box.

This is just a poem I wrote after watching a movie. I hope you enjoy it.

I have crossed oceans of time to find you.
My heart calls out for one to become two.
The shattered remains of a once broken soul.
Seeks out the other half to make it whole.

You are my reason I have survived life.
The woman I want to be my wife.
You are the heaven that calls me in.
My hateful life has ended and a new one begins.

Your hair your eyes that crooked smile.
Holds my attention all of the while.
the world around me will pull and call.
I will not give in and will continue to fall.

You will never know how much you make me love.
There is not help from the heavens above.
Moments of greatness and smiles with tears.
Will still not be enough after fifty years.

I want you to know how much light you bring to me.
I wish I had the words to make you see.
No poem, song or romantic letter.
Will ever do justice or make it better.

In the end when I am old and grey.
My health fades and I approach my final day.
I will tell our grandchildren with a smile on my face.
Growing old with you was my only place.

Nowhere I would ever want be and no one more I would have cherished.
that without you long ago i would have perished.
so with my last breath I will tell you right then.
I love you more today then I ever thought and I would marry you again.

Fear

Why are we so afraid of relationships? We run and hide from them or we adopt the attitude of I had better get them before they get me. It has come to the point in allot of us were we ask ourselves is there such a thing as real love or is everyone just out to screw us. Fear is born from this and so many of us give into that fear. Sad isn't it?

Things get tough but do we have the moral fiber to tough it out and say I love you and this is what is right? No we say I'm depressed and it's because of this and that and we run. We turn our backs on the ones that count on us and depend on us. We refuse to listen to the cries and the pleading that is done. We give deaf ears to those we promise to love forever. Why is it that we all seem to take the easy road and just walk away?

So many people scream about family values but I don't see any. So many hide behind "I'm a Christian" but yet the things we do are so wrong. How the hell can we expect others to take us seriously when we act like children and take our toys and go home? I have met some amazing women but I have noticed that so many are afraid because someone couldn't hold on to what they wanted in the beginning.

How can someone just love you one day and then be gone the next? How can they promise forever and say " I love you"? I may be wrong but I thought forever or eternity was the time it took for a dove to carry one grain of sand from all the beaches on earth to the farthest planet in the galaxy until all the sand was gone and then bring it back again. Guess that is a myth.

Forever must be allot shorter then that cause it just doesn't last. So many of us are left behind trying to figure out the number of the bus that hit us. We become so afraid of love that we run from it or we question it. Some of us bury ourselves in day to day just so we don't have to face it or we get mad when someone points out the damage we have caused.

What has this world become? Why do we treat each other the way we do. Life could end tomorrow folks. It's too short and too precious to spend cowering away in fear. Sometimes you just step up and say "Thank God I'm alive and I'm going to claim whats mine. I'm going to fight for whats right and do the best I can even if it isn't easy". Can we do that? Can we make it back to the world we used to have where people stood by each other? Good questions I think but I never see those on a survey.

Choices

Well an observer of life and others I have become. I have a bunch of great and wonderful friends. Some I love dearly, Some that Drive me Crazy and Others Well they are still good people. I don't understand how or why we all decide that we are going to treat each other the way we do. We meet each other and we decide that we are going to form a friendship either out of a shared friendships or common interests. But for whatever reason we all do come together at some point. In the time that we are friends we will Laugh, Cry or Scream with one another. We will Hate, Avoid or Fall in Love with one of our Friends. "Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans". (John Lennon) We can't help how things will turn out or how others see us. All we can do is be ourselves and do the best we can to communicate with one another. Being honest with ourselves is harder than being honest with others. Friends are the people we depend on. They are the ones that we share our deepest fears and secrets with. Sometimes they are more to us then we let them know. Friends are the basic building blocks of that relationship we all hope to find someday.

When we meet someone and we get to know them there is always a choice to be made. To just move on and leave things as they are, To make a new friend or to show interest and pursue someone as a potential love. Some times we make one choice and then it becomes another. But what happens when you decide you want to pursue a romantic interest but you don't want to lose the friendship. Scary isn't it? The choices we find ourselves having to make for excitement, love and out of safety. Whatever shall we do?

Well in this life there are very few things we are sure of but there are somethings that are consistent either for the good or the bad. But consistent none the less. Consistency shows how a situation or a person is and how it's going to be. Its just up to us to open our eyes and see what the potential is.

We must throw off our fears, open our eyes, take a step on to the road and pray to god we don't get our ass run over. In the end we shall all find happiness but we have to show faith in something greater than ourselves and sometimes it hides in the strangest places. All of you that are my friends know how I see myself. You all know how I view my life. But here I am trying like hell to play the Frogger the Reality Game and I'm always getting my green little ass splattered but here I am continuing to try. So with that said value your friends and take a real good look cause your hearts desire may have been the one holding your hair when you puke, your hand when you cry or the one who puts themselves to the side for your happiness. Be good to one another people. Be the best friend you can be and always be open to more.